Spoof Articles

Letch Starts YR Sex Series In Gymnasium Locker Room

by '69
Amherst Student

In the inauguration of the Amherst Young Republicans' Sex Lecture Series, Dr. William Letch spoke to a packed crowd in the Alumni Gym locker room last night. Dr. Letch, inventor of the anus and other positions as well as author of the book "Sex after Death or Hurry Up I'm Stiff Already" spoke in a halting offensive lisp to the sweaty crowd of crippled goalies who cut classes all day in hot anticipation of his talk.

He started by saying that he had just returned from the isolation ward at Sing-Sing and found it very difficult for the prisoners there to establish a normal healthy relationship with each other. "The isolation is a major negative factor in really getting to know another human being," he said.

Against Circumcision

"In prisons, I am also sorry to report that auto-eroticism is very common. I am extremely opinionated on this. I am totally against auto-eroticism. It ruins the engines and is no good for the brakes. I should know, I have a Volkswagen myself and take excellent care of it." He beamed with typical Germanic pride, and swung at a front-row Jew.

Warming to this subject, he declared, "I am against circumcision. I am against circumcision for the poor, I am against circumcision for the bourgeois. I am against circumcision far the wealthy. I am against circumcision for 'the aristocrats. In other words, I am against cutting any classes at all."

Theodore Greene, sitting alone in a nearby shower stall reading Kappa Theta's Report on Student Stains, nodded with agreement.

Dr. Leitch was then asked about co-education … "I support it," he said. "Living alone in an all-male school is very trying for a boy, even more so for a girl. Many males take out their desires in unnatural ways." (See illustration).

"Can any of us say we don't look twice at a new washing machines phonograph, or telephone? How many of us linger around the milk machine at lunch? We must have co-education and we must have it now!"

Weissman, Horse, Mann

Jon Weissman '69, of SDS, said that if we could get co-education going here at Amherst it would be a step toward ending the war. He would not elaborate, and was preoccupied with shouting "Free Che Guevera" at the cloudy sky.

President Plimpton was asked whether he saw any evidence of unnatural sex at Amherst and replied enigmatically: "Well, my little horse must think it queer."

Chris Norton '72, when reached for comment last night, refused to say anything but invited the entire STUDENT staff into his room, where we found Ben Harris.

Dr. Letch was asked about the plethora of long-haired students art Amherst: "I don't think anything to worry about … I can't understand why people get upset over long hair … This is nothing to be excited about … We all expect this. After all, there are simpering fags all over the country so why not here?"

Later on at night, at a party in the Special Exercise Room, Dr. Letch was approached by a lovely nubile blonde Amherst Regional girl who asked him what he thought of sex before the wedding. He said he thought it was all right as long as it didn't hold up the ceremony.

Source: 1, 2. Amherst Student archives.


Vinyl ‘Macbeth’ Skips Sickness For Accuracy

by '69
Amherst Student

A new production of Shakespeare's "Macbeth" opened in Stone's Repertoire Theatre last night. Although the acting was some of the best I have ever seen at Amherst College, the production missed several opportunities to exhibit all the perversions and obscenities that the playwright had subtly included in the text.

The sheer poetry of Lady Macbeths monologue about taking a baby from her breast and beating its brains out — the image of cerebrum and cerebellum flowing over the mother's pubic regions — the celebration of the release of the most primal maternal urges — is lost by trying to portray Lady Macbeth's joy as anguish.

Also the production, set in beautiful vinyl and leather sets, did not follow the author's intention of portraying the plastic relationship between Macbeth and Banquo as obviously homosexual. This infinitely parapetic catatonic exchange would have offered infinitely more opportunities to shock and gross out the inclusively repressed audience.

And this failure results in a traitorous denial of the fundamental purpose of all modern theatre — to provide titillation.

Source: Amherst Student archives