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| NJC: Hot Chili humour | |
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Tremorlor 11:21 am UTC 09/17/09 |
| Old but excellent > HOT CHILI > > If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down > your cheeks then there's no hope for you. > > NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to > the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For > those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They > actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town > (or whenever people get bored at work). It takes up a major portion of > the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced > chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: > > "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. > The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened > to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the > Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two > judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and > besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I > accepted." > > Here are the scorecards from the event: > > Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge #1 - A little too > heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. > Judge #2 - Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild Judge #3 (Frank) - > Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint > from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope > that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili > Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. > Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > seriously. > Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who > wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more > beer when they saw the look on my face. > > Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge #1 - Excellent > firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. > Judge #2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge #3 > - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I > have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me > more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from > all of the beer. > > Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic > Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or > other mild foods, not much of a chili. > Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable > to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the > barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb. bitch > is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is > chili an aphrodisiac? > > Chili #5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover > Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding > considerable kick. Very impressive. > Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I > can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her > chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding > by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm > burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges > asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. > > Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge #1 - Thin yet bold > vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. > Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. > Superb. > Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, > sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will > eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except > that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my > lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. > > Chili #7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili Judge #1 - A mediocre chili > with too much reliance on canned peppers. > Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried > about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing > uncontrollably. > Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world > sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with > chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of > lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll > know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. > Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just > suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. > > Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge #1 - The perfect ending, > this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare > its existence. > Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed > out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not > sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted > to really hot chili. | |
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