| NJC: Monster Raving Loony Party | |
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Posted by: |
steven_stuart 02:01 am UTC 05/02/10 |
| I was going to vote for Nick Clegg, partly because my wife thinks he is the best looking candidate and I think that style is more important than substance (Nixon forgot to shave when he went up against JFK - nobody is going to tell me that the Kennedy success story had nothing to do with style) and partly because I thought that the Liberal Democrats in power would be a refreshing new change for the United Kingdom. Labour and the Conservatives have got it wrong so many times, why not give someone else a chance? Unfortunately Clegg has slipped since his triumph in the first of three televised debates. For the third debate he wore an orange tie and a light grey suit and he let some idiot pluck his eyebrows. He looked awful compared to Cameron (the overly posh leader of the Conservatives that Mum likes). Also, I found out that Clegg was born in 1967 (I was born in 1963). There was a great American writer who said that people know that they are getting old when they suddenly realise that the leading politicians are younger than they are. Unfortunately I can't remember which great writer said this. I think it may have been Gore Vidal. At least if Cameron wins, I don't have to feel old. I am now against all three main parties and I thought that I was going to just boycott the election until I discovered that a candidate for the Monster Raving Loony Party is standing in our area. My vote will probably be a wasted one but I still want to get out there and support a fellow loony. As you probably know, the Monster Raving Loony Party was started by the former sixties pop star Screaming Lord Sutch. He used to stand in Margret Thatcher's electoral area, so that he had a right to stand next to her when the vote count was announced. She would always try her best to ignore the chap in the giant green top hat standing next to her. Lord Sutch sadly passed away but the party continues. The following quotes are from the Loony Party manifesto: "To combat global warming and climate change all buildings should be fitted with air conditioning units on the outside. Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful process of school vaccinations. Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses. It is proposed that all politicians be made to swear a "hippocratic oath", preventing them by law from being Hypocrites. All politicians should be made to stand by their policies, or or at least admit that they were wrong. It is proposed that, before the beginning of exams, the exam board will select a certain obscure phrase which will be kept secret. If any pupil inadvertently writes this phrase in any exam,he/she will automaticaly receive straight A* grades, and a free teddy. It is proposed that The European Union end its discrimination by creating a "Court of Human Lefts" because their present policy is one_sided. The problems of prison overcrowding and increased crime will be solved easily by issuing a compulsory contract on McDonalds to do all prison catering. Convervative estimates suggest a 50% reduction in crime rates within 2 years with 0% re-offender figures. Make it illegal for super heroes to use their powers for evil. Ban all terrorists from having beards as they look scary. All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one. All newly trained Dentists will be require to have three teeth removed, 2 fillings and root canal work done without anesthetic. Then they will know the agony they inflict on the rest of us. It is proposed that :Pets, especially cats and dogs, may not be dressed in miniature human clothing for the purpose of human amusement, unless the animal in question can equip the clothing himself/herself. Homework should be banned as it is bad enough for kids having to go to school let alone bring it home with them. As well as using computers in schools, children should be taught to reed, rite, and appreciate rock. All teachers should come to school dressed as pink teddy bears so that they will not be so intimidating. It is proposed that everyone in England should buy one hundred square meters (or be subsidized to do so) of France. The English would then own France, saving a lot of arguments, and winning us another UN veto... After owning France, It is proposed that we should rent it back to the French. Then we should start on Germany. It should be illegal to wake up prior to 9.00 A.M." Screaming Lord Sutch was a brilliant man but was middle England ever going to give him a chance? Sadly not. However, I will still make the effort to go to my local polling station next Thursday to back a fellow loony. | |
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