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| re: Mastubation debate | |
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pidunk 08:48 pm UTC 05/22/07 |
| In reply to: | re: Mastubation debate - LordRahl 03:08 pm UTC 05/22/07 |
> Susan, > > When I look at the things you are saying from my > girlfriends perspective I can understand what you are > getting at. But these views are the ones I am trying to > convince her are not true for me, as they may be for other > guys. Now the following is going to be perssonal and > hopefully no one will laugh tooooo much, ;- ) I understand what you mean by personal. I had some problems in the past when you wrote about things related to fighting, and I didn't exactly like your avatar (you know I've been giving opinions of late of that then...I like things that are more surreal than confrontive) but I appreciated when you showed your intelligence. This is one of those times. Further, people don't realize that things I post on this board are personal to me, and they slice me up emotionally pretty much. I tell myself, it's just a board, they aren't the world, but while on the board there sure is that kind of illusion, though, isn't there? That's one reason why perspective is usually a good thing to keep. > > For me, as a person with a foot fetish, porno can be as > simple as two fully clothed girls taking off each others > shoes and socks and licking each others feet. For most > people that doesn't even constitute as pornography, just > weird. For that matter you could watch women buying shoes, and that would not be porn and just as "weird". I think that where fetishes are concerned it is like going to a delicacy counter because the ordinary food is too bland....so if you have a foot fetish, you want to up the prominence of your girlfriend's feet....unless you have a "two-girls" fetish instead. > > Now obviously it gets me off, so there is the issue that I > am enjoying other girls. But in no way do I love these > women, hell often times I look at ones that remind me of > my girlfriend so that I can more easily visualize her > instead of them. Well, I know that feeling a whole lot. I can't be with the man who I care for, and so I find men on the street who fit his dimensions sometimes and paint the canvas in my mind as if they were he, but it does not get sexual at that point, it is just that I try to visualize him with me, remembering how much taller he is than me, remembering the looks on his face, or the times we walked together. I don't ever talk to the men and feel embarrassed if they ever find that I'm looking at them, and one of the reasons why I go through this is because I have not had the experience with him in a long time, and I can't have it anytime soon either. But in your case with your girlfriend, couldn't you ring her up on the phone and go video with her when you miss her? Maybe she can photo her feet to you along with her smile. We are living in the day and age when we have that technological capability. >When I masturbate it is for a special > kind of release that I can only get from myself. In no > way could I ever get it from another girl, and it isnt > something better, so dont assume I mean that. It is just > something different that sometimes I like to experience > now and again. I've never heard that from any man I've ever known, nor can I relate to that as a woman, but what I can understand is that some publications which purport to teach sexuality try to convince their readers of this. When I was an adolescent I had a boyfriend who was problematically naive who turned to these publications to learn about sex, teaching me along the way all the wrong things about relationships. Funny how it is, that the emphasis determines the quality, that: In priorities: when one builds the relationship, the sexual aspects are part of that building; when one builds up the sex, the relationship falls behind. If you genuinely feel that you can get more from an orgasm that you give to yourself than your girlfriend can give to you, show her what you do that she can do.....and guide her.....if it is the quality of being alone with no vulnerabilities that builds your head of steam, then you need to build the trust level between the both of you. If it's you, if it's her, if it's time, or if it is your age, whatever it is, just think about trust, learn what trust is about, and the factors could be developed.....growing together. I'm not necessarily talking about shallow things like self-help books, but some aren't offensive to me and some have helped alot. Try this: it is a book called "The Psychology Of Romantic Love" by Dr. Nathaniel Brandon. And then there is another one, called "On Caring" by Milton Mayeroff. I found both those books to have been invaluable in showing me some important differences. Neither of them concerns sexuality or physicality as such. They are both written fairly easy to understand. You do begin to say in the next paragraph that despite these other things, the relationship with her is most important. > > Sex with her is still the most special way to experience > orgasm for me. Sex with her is still the best feeling. > And for me porn is as harmless as watchin a movie or > playing a video game. It is only passionate while it is > going on, then as soon as I finish it is insignificant and > completly out of my mind. I could masturbate one minute, > and the next sit back and do homework or study. When you are in a relationship, one of the first things you have to understand is that it stops being about just your own feelings, and begins to be the feelings that blend the feelings that you two have together about things....the best thing is when the blending of feelings comes to a compatible resolution with your own. I know of one self-described expert on relationships who says regularly on talk radio (I don't listen to talk radio but he is an old childhood friend I've been out of touch with since childhood and I check in on his show from time to time, less lately than a few years ago, but I know the things he says to callers I hear)that relationships are not about compatibility, and then I hear him present an argument in which he fully shows that he misses the point about what compatibility is. So, this is where I get semantic, when I see that people are using words they misapply to the application. Love and relationships are about compatibility, and the compatibility lies in the fact that the two opposing, divergent, or just differing views could combine in non-combative and self-germinating ways. You feel one way about porn, being the viewer, your girlfriend feels another way about porn being the one who feels like you are squandering your energies externally to her. She understands you don't love them, but the door is wide open for her to wonder if it means you love her less. It then becomes one of the issues that go into the "trust bucket". If the porn is SO important that you need to expend energies to defend it, then that is something you need to understand yourself in order to defend, or you should refrain and refill the "trust bucket". I don't particularly think that watching a movie or playing a video game is harmless. Try being sixteen and seeing "Pink Flamingos" as a bonus midnight show just when there for having seen two Marx Brothers movies, and see how "harmless" a movie can be. I left the theatre not remembering what the Marx Brothers films were called, and to this day have not recovered fully. Masterbating is not the issue. Wank to your heart's content when your girl is not available or the date would take away from your studies, and there is not a flaw to be seen about it. Just don't talk about it because talking about it is weird. You could try though, some imagining of your girlfriend in your mind's eye, or phone her for a bit of turn-on, instead of using porn. She might actually like that, and understand you just needed to take a break and have some of her distant honey before returning to the grueling work. > > I know it is difficult for someone to see my perspective > and actually understand it, you seem to say alot of the > same things Erin does as well and she is more stubborn > than anyone I have ever met. But hopefully my piece here > put into words some more of the things I have been leaving > out. I could joke and say it is the conspiracy of women, but that is not the case. We have some universalities, men to men, women to women, and all genders between all genders. Finding the humanity in all the rubble that the modern society tosses us into is our challenge as people in this generation of time. Pornography was created by people who wanted to create some human rubble. | |
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