I seem to want to layer this response with other responses. If I believed I could write a web page about this I might, but I certainly don't have such kind of readiness. Sometimes, Jim and I have the kinds of feelings about our accidentally having hurt each other which are defensive in a way. Like for example, this song makes references to one time when I accidentally hurt him, and the feeling I have about that, is that I feel hurt....in other words, accidentally hurting him causes pain and grief to myself. When I point out to Jim, or react as though I was pointing out to Jim that Jim hurt me, he gets very upset as though I am hurting him. It is a strange dynamic in that way: I have to be careful not to hurt Jim by not feeling hurt myself, and if that isn't a paradox of emotional twists then I really don't know what is. If I tell him that he hurts me, he just about goes into tears over it. I interpret this not as weakness, because Jim is one of the strongest people I have ever encountered, but as the sensitivity, because he cares so much about me, that he would not intentionally hurt me, and if his deterrent is that he would feel pain himself, I could second that with reference to him and my own self-deterrent. There are couples who hurt each other and sulk, become bitter. Jim and I take our hurts and we work at them because underneath it all, we know our intentions. I always hope that we keep this visibility to ourselves. I have not found any reasons not to work at making him satisfied with my love for him. We have discussed friendship in many contexts, the friendship that is like a boyfriend and girlfriend, the friendship that is like two buddies, the friendship that is the basis of an intimacy. And we've seen these contexts come and go within ourselves. All in all, what it comes down to as I've told him that I am first and foremost his friend. I always will be.
I'd like to work on getting these concepts in this song understood, but I have not worked on that until now. It is hard, seeing in print that he wrote his hurt about what happened in that school yard. Since that time, we have each revisited our feelings on other fields, literally and figuratively, and the hurt does not carry the same sting now as it did in the time he wrote it. Its value of being in the song is for its context, in setting up the kinds of problems we have had in our history.
Many people who have fame may fight off those who try to invade their privacy, but our lives Jim's and mine, we have too much of it. There has to be a balance.
>
>
> >
> >
> > >Could you shed some light on the subject?
> >
> > I'll try to use simple phrases. I've just re-read the
> > thread above and realize how much in the dark all are in
> > concerning this song. When I first saw it on the Tower
> > Records in-store sampler, my eyes just about popped out of
> > my head. I couldn't believe that the title actually
> > existed. After everything that I've been through up to
> > that day in October of 2004, seeing that was a real
> > startle. Of course I had to listen to it that once then,
> > to see what it was about. There I had the chance to see
> > that it was not much different than what I already knew.
> > From then, I didn't need to hear it again, but was glad
> > that it existed for the fact that it reiterated to me in
> > an objective form, what I had to perceive much by myself.
> >
> >
> > That it was not a feature in concerts does not surprise
> > me. That Meat rushed through it and didn't know how to
> > deal with it also does not surprise me. So, how do we deal
> > with this, if it is so rare, and such a hot potato? Hot
> > Potato, hot patootie, let's call the whole thing off :)
> >
> > What Jim does is make the music fit the lyric, for its
> > emotion, for its urgency, for its drama. The music
> > punctuates. It accentuates. Not having the music from
> > which to draw at this moment, there are the lyrics. What
> > does this song say?
> >
> > There are several points to the story that is the song. In
> > bold, I will highlight those that are childhood
> > memories of he and I, from when Jimmy and I were small
> > children, he of the age of nine and below, and I at the
> > age of six and below. In italics, I will highlight
> > those aspects of the song which reflect the actions of my
> > mother during those times.
> >
> > I'm not including the entire song. Just those parts that
> > are somewhat clear enough to explain.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > I'll Kill You If You Don't Come Back
> >
> > From the minute I turned and laid my eyes on you
> > I had no eyes of my own
> > I was blind to the world - you were too good to be true
> > But you were something to see - so very young and
> > alone
> >
> > Jim met me when he was delivering a gift to my mother for
> > the arrival of her new baby. I was not all that new at the
> > time, being nine months old, but the gift was such as a
> > gesture. It was a thing that went above me that I could
> > play with. Jim may have seen me before by the things he
> > said, but my earliest memory is this. He made clear how
> > much I meant to him, as he also showed me how to handle
> > the toy. I was being kept inside and he snuck in to see me
> > on the pretense that he had to use the restroom, otherwise
> > he was being kept outside keeping my brother company. He
> > and my brother are only two months apart in age. Jim and
> > he were both approaching four years of age.
> >
> > And I still don't believe the way you turned on me
> > Now where's the girl that I knew?
> >
> > The end of the difficult era stood with one chance he took
> > to see me at the school I was attending when I was in
> > first grade. He approached me and I was not expecting to
> > see him, believing him to be in California and this was
> > New York, and I also was not aware he decided to use an
> > alias, calling himself "Tom". Tom spoke to me and knew my
> > name, and I, alarmed, left in a moment of anxiety, and put
> > someone else on him to explain how he knew me.
> > Unfortunately that someone didn't ask, but just chased Jim
> > away. Even though my attitude had softened, I did not have
> > the chance to make amends and to let him talk to me. I
> > missed hearing whatever it was that he came to say. At the
> > same time, his highly complicated effort had been wasted
> > and gone awry.
> >
> >
> >
> > I gave you somewhere to live and then somebody to
> > love
> >
> > This could address both my mother and/or myself, for it is
> > true for us both on different levels. Literally, Jim did
> > give us a place to live. And literally, Jim did give in
> > one or another sense, each of us someone to love. My
> > mother, demanded of Jim's father a house as a second part
> > of a gift of furnishings for my second birthday, and such
> > house was given. The gifts and the house were hoped to
> > help my mother appreciate the worth of me rather than
> > reject me, and in that sense it was for my mother to see
> > in me someone to love, when she did not. She did not love
> > me. As for me, the house was in my name, and Jim also came
> > by to visit around the area and I saw him sometimes. My
> > mother refused up to then still, to tell me where the
> > furnishings and the house came from but had no trouble
> > telling me that they were mine and in my name. Then the
> > impossible happened.
> >
> > My mother decided to leave that house and demanded a
> > second house from Jim's father. Jim's father gave the
> > house, and when I moved into that house, I saw Jim alot
> > more. There, Jim had the opportunity to tell me about the
> > furnishings and the houses, being as he said he didn't
> > understand why I did not seem grateful. I then had the
> > chance to thank him. At the same time, a threat my mother
> > spoke concerning these things came to light when I told it
> > to Jim. Because Jim told me who his father is, and my
> > mother was very very angry with him for giving me the
> > gifts, even though she demanded the houses. The
> > furnishings really snapped her nerves and they were the
> > first things. She said to someone, "Now I feel like I'm
> > stuck with her!" And indeed, she stuck to me like glue,
> > never letting me out of her sight, never letting me out of
> > her control, and by the time I had seen this song title, I
> > already saw her pattern very plainly, of possession in one
> > hand, and a death threat in the other.
> >
> > The somebody to love that Jim gave to me, was himself. He
> > finally had that chance to discuss our future together,
> > and we also discussed our love.
> >
> >
> > You gave me nothing but trouble - man I've been such a
> > fool
> > You gave me nothing at all - now let me give it to you
> > You taught me how to be cruel - now let me try it on
> > you
> >
> >How do you abuse me - let me count the ways
> > How many hours in how many days
> > How does it amuse you - let me count the pain
> > How many rules breaking how many games
> >
> > This structural reference to Elizabeth Barrett Browning's
> > "Sonnets From The Portugese", "How do I love thee, let me
> > count the ways, I love thee to the depth and breadth that
> > my soul could reach", is not just my favorite poem of all
> > time, but also a bit of symbology in common: Barrett's
> > father was controlling, overbearing, not letting Elizabeth
> > live her life. My mother has been controlling,
> > overbearing, not letting me live my own life.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > How do you abuse me - let me count the ways
> > How many hours in how many days
> > How does it amuse you - let me count the pain
> > How many rules breaking how many games
> >
> > You got your ass out of gear and your soul out of
> > whack
> > Go on and take all your stuff - don't even bother to pack
> > In every way I want you out of my life -
> > But I'll kill you if you don't come back
> > I'll kill you if you don't come back
> >
> >
> > Indeed, it seems true of my mother, that she wanted me out
> > of her life in every way, but she would kill me if I
> > didn't come back.
> >
> >
> >
> > In the pit of the night you used to pull me so close
> > And then you'd hold me so tight
> > And in the wink of an eye you used to give me it all
> > And with a kiss in the darkness you'd deliver the light
> >
> > There were times when she played the part of mother.
> > Kissed me goodnight, tucked me in, sang to me, held me,
> > and gave to me what a mother gives, but in the absence and
> > in the shadows, she also whispered about me to people on
> > the phone, and betrayed my trust.
> >
> > And in the pit of the night I hear you laughing so
> > loud
> > I know you're laughing at me
> > Oh ain't it funny and sad the way I fell for your lies
> > The way I fell into love and then I begged to be free
> > You gave me nothing at all - now let me give it to you
> > You taught me how to be cruel - now let me try it on
> > you
> >
> > How do you abuse me - let me count the ways
> > How many hours in how many days
> > How does it amuse you - let me count the pain
> > How many rules breaking how many games
> >
> > You got your ass out of gear and your soul out of
> > whack
> > Go on and take all your stuff - don't even bother to pack
> > In every way I want you out of my life
> > But I'll kill you if you don't come back
> > I'll kill you if you don't come back
> >
> > My mother said certain things that gave me the belief that
> > she would kill me if I came back and kill me if I didn't
> > come back, all the same. But especially with more anger,
> > if I didn't come back.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
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