| re: Little script for class, Opinions? | |
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Posted by: |
Vin 07:13 pm UTC 01/31/08 |
| In reply to: | Little script for class, Opinions? - RSG 04:54 pm UTC 01/31/08 |
| I'm a little confused. Is the narrator actually narrating your screen directions? And if so, why? Also, is English your first language? There are a couple spots here where the construction is awkward. And I'm questioning "gild'd" and cool'd" I can't see any reason, poetic or otherwise, to truncate these words in the poem. The pronounciation and syllable counts remain the same as "gilded" and "cooled." Its a decent enough pair of short scenes; not enough here to tell where its going. Structure is fine though, if that's the point of the exercise. > FADE IN: > > 1 FULL SHOT – Classroom Desk Rows (College) > > ANTHONY > (mumbles aloud) > (sitting sideways) > > She holds an attentive posture. She is a captive charm; > tranquil & cool. She smiles every so often, sitting > across > three rows into her desk softly upon her plastic seat. > Little lady, name unknown; Active to socialize, does > she realize these blue eyes whom fantasize her majestic > prize for her own? > > NARRATOR has a gentle voice and young as a voice like a > young woman. > > NARRATOR > > As Anthony talks, the few whom are around him, > and watch their mental student with cautious ease. > > The mature female instructor walks around handing out > blue papers across the front rows to hand back. Most kids > talk > amongst their neighbors, others dazed maybe two > students who attention is raised. > > ANTHONY > (Continues to mumble over unknown girl) > > them eyes, her thighs, with an open hand I would slide - > > INSTRUCTOR > (immediately interrupts) > > Anthony, would you pass back the papers on your desk to > the others? > > ANTHONY > (amazed) > Hmm… Oh… Right! > > NARRATOR > > The entire classroom laughs; now turned around and eyes on > Anthony. Girl turns around and with a small smile she > notices with purple eyelids with a glow of interest and > charm. > > INSTRUCTOR > (Staying patient) > > Anthony, would you pass back the paper on your desk so the > others can have their sheet! > > 2 CU - Red School Bell > > It rings. > > Students file languidly for the door. Anthony leans back > in his chair, in no real hurry for next class. The girl > passes by and sounds like the narrator exactly. > > GIRL > (smiles) > > Hi. > > ANTHONY > (Jumps in seat) > (Says nothing) > (Looks upward into her eyes w/ a slight panic) > > GIRL > (walks out door) > > FADE OUT: > > FADE IN: > > 1 FULL SHOT – Back home. Dawn. Kitchen Table – Full View > > NARRATOR > > Anthony is sitting at his mother’s dining room table with > some paper and a blue > pen. Her dining room is commercial clean, and there is a > bottle of soda underneath a coaster. > > Anthony’s head slides down from one palm, he sighs and his > hair licks upward. > > FADE OUT: > > 1 FULL SHOT – Classroom Desk Rows (Same room) > > > > NARRATOR > > Back into the classroom; the curtains are drawn and > AMBIENT lights are turned off. A black and white movie is > struggling to be played in an “ancient” VCR machine and > 1970’s television screen. She and Anthony are sitting row > beside row. > > GIRL > (Quietly) > > Hi. > > ANTHONY > (Looks toward her, annoyed-like) > (Scratches some words onto little paper) > (Tossing toward her) > > The teacher picks up the paper off of the ground. > > INSTRUCTOR > > Anthony! You know very well you are not allowed to be > passing notes, even if the class is watching a movie. > Idiot! > > NARRATOR > The instructor wouldn’t normally say something like idiot, > but that day was a very important day to stay tuned into > attention. Although for the young man and woman; > they couldn’t care so less. > > Dolly Out: As the teacher walks between the two rows back > to the front of the classroom. Reading the note which > reads, HELLO > > NARRATOR > > Anthony still scratching ink onto another little paper. He > tosses the little note, and the girl picks up the piece of > paper. > > Anthony smiles, > She smiles. > > > > > > > > Girl unfolds the paper once revealing in beautiful > writing; the paper flashing light and dark from the > television. It reads > > > > > GILD’D BLISS > SIN COOL’D MIST > > WITH THE TOUCH OF HER VOICE > LEAVES ME FEELING NO CHOICE > BUT TO HOLLER > IN A QUIET RIOT > > > GIRL > (aloud) > > Hi. My name is Sarah. > > ANTHONY > > (Tosses pen ahead) > > Both kids were warm and delighted. They pull their chairs > in close and together > watch the remainder of the movie. He reaches out for her > hand. She accepts > with her hand like a warm glove. > | |
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