>Could you shed some light on the subject?
I'll try to use simple phrases. I've just re-read the thread above and realize how much in the dark all are in concerning this song. When I first saw it on the Tower Records in-store sampler, my eyes just about popped out of my head. I couldn't believe that the title actually existed. After everything that I've been through up to that day in October of 2004, seeing that was a real startle. Of course I had to listen to it that once then, to see what it was about. There I had the chance to see that it was not much different than what I already knew. From then, I didn't need to hear it again, but was glad that it existed for the fact that it reiterated to me in an objective form, what I had to perceive much by myself.
That it was not a feature in concerts does not surprise me. That Meat rushed through it and didn't know how to deal with it also does not surprise me. So, how do we deal with this, if it is so rare, and such a hot potato? Hot Potato, hot patootie, let's call the whole thing off :)
What Jim does is make the music fit the lyric, for its emotion, for its urgency, for its drama. The music punctuates. It accentuates. Not having the music from which to draw at this moment, there are the lyrics. What does this song say?
There are several points to the story that is the song. In bold, I will highlight those that are childhood memories of he and I, from when Jimmy and I were small children, he of the age of nine and below, and I at the age of six and below. In italics, I will highlight those aspects of the song which reflect the actions of my mother during those times.
I'm not including the entire song. Just those parts that are somewhat clear enough to explain.
I'll Kill You If You Don't Come Back
From the minute I turned and laid my eyes on you
I had no eyes of my own
I was blind to the world - you were too good to be true
But you were something to see - so very young and alone
Jim met me when he was delivering a gift to my mother for the arrival of her new baby. I was not all that new at the time, being nine months old, but the gift was such as a gesture. It was a thing that went above me that I could play with. Jim may have seen me before by the things he said, but my earliest memory is this. He made clear how much I meant to him, as he also showed me how to handle the toy. I was being kept inside and he snuck in to see me on the pretense that he had to use the restroom, otherwise he was being kept outside keeping my brother company. He and my brother are only two months apart in age. Jim and he were both approaching four years of age.
And I still don't believe the way you turned on me
Now where's the girl that I knew?
The end of the difficult era stood with one chance he took to see me at the school I was attending when I was in first grade. He approached me and I was not expecting to see him, believing him to be in California and this was New York, and I also was not aware he decided to use an alias, calling himself "Tom". Tom spoke to me and knew my name, and I, alarmed, left in a moment of anxiety, and put someone else on him to explain how he knew me. Unfortunately that someone didn't ask, but just chased Jim away. Even though my attitude had softened, I did not have the chance to make amends and to let him talk to me. I missed hearing whatever it was that he came to say. At the same time, his highly complicated effort had been wasted and gone awry.
I gave you somewhere to live and then somebody to love
This could address both my mother and/or myself, for it is true for us both on different levels. Literally, Jim did give us a place to live. And literally, Jim did give in one or another sense, each of us someone to love. My mother, demanded of Jim's father a house as a second part of a gift of furnishings for my second birthday, and such house was given. The gifts and the house were hoped to help my mother appreciate the worth of me rather than reject me, and in that sense it was for my mother to see in me someone to love, when she did not. She did not love me. As for me, the house was in my name, and Jim also came by to visit around the area and I saw him sometimes. My mother refused up to then still, to tell me where the furnishings and the house came from but had no trouble telling me that they were mine and in my name. Then the impossible happened.
My mother decided to leave that house and demanded a second house from Jim's father. Jim's father gave the house, and when I moved into that house, I saw Jim alot more. There, Jim had the opportunity to tell me about the furnishings and the houses, being as he said he didn't understand why I did not seem grateful. I then had the chance to thank him. At the same time, a threat my mother spoke concerning these things came to light when I told it to Jim. Because Jim told me who his father is, and my mother was very very angry with him for giving me the gifts, even though she demanded the houses. The furnishings really snapped her nerves and they were the first things. She said to someone, "Now I feel like I'm stuck with her!" And indeed, she stuck to me like glue, never letting me out of her sight, never letting me out of her control, and by the time I had seen this song title, I already saw her pattern very plainly, of possession in one hand, and a death threat in the other.
The somebody to love that Jim gave to me, was himself. He finally had that chance to discuss our future together, and we also discussed our love.
You gave me nothing but trouble - man I've been such a fool
You gave me nothing at all - now let me give it to you
You taught me how to be cruel - now let me try it on you
How do you abuse me - let me count the ways
How many hours in how many days
How does it amuse you - let me count the pain
How many rules breaking how many games
This structural reference to Elizabeth Barrett Browning's "Sonnets From The Portugese", "How do I love thee, let me count the ways, I love thee to the depth and breadth that my soul could reach", is not just my favorite poem of all time, but also a bit of symbology in common: Barrett's father was controlling, overbearing, not letting Elizabeth live her life. My mother has been controlling, overbearing, not letting me live my own life.
How do you abuse me - let me count the ways
How many hours in how many days
How does it amuse you - let me count the pain
How many rules breaking how many games
You got your ass out of gear and your soul out of whack
Go on and take all your stuff - don't even bother to pack
In every way I want you out of my life -
But I'll kill you if you don't come back
I'll kill you if you don't come back
Indeed, it seems true of my mother, that she wanted me out of her life in every way, but she would kill me if I didn't come back.
In the pit of the night you used to pull me so close
And then you'd hold me so tight
And in the wink of an eye you used to give me it all
And with a kiss in the darkness you'd deliver the light
There were times when she played the part of mother. Kissed me goodnight, tucked me in, sang to me, held me, and gave to me what a mother gives, but in the absence and in the shadows, she also whispered about me to people on the phone, and betrayed my trust.
And in the pit of the night I hear you laughing so loud
I know you're laughing at me
Oh ain't it funny and sad the way I fell for your lies
The way I fell into love and then I begged to be free
You gave me nothing at all - now let me give it to you
You taught me how to be cruel - now let me try it on you
How do you abuse me - let me count the ways
How many hours in how many days
How does it amuse you - let me count the pain
How many rules breaking how many games
You got your ass out of gear and your soul out of whack
Go on and take all your stuff - don't even bother to pack
In every way I want you out of my life
But I'll kill you if you don't come back
I'll kill you if you don't come back
My mother said certain things that gave me the belief that she would kill me if I came back and kill me if I didn't come back, all the same. But especially with more anger, if I didn't come back.
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